Graham's Birthday

It's hard to believe it's been a week and a half since this little one came to us.  I haven't been sure if I wanted to share his birthday on our blog, but I lay in bed every night (when I really really should be sleeping) replaying every minute of that morning.  My hope is that if I can get it all documented that my brain won't be so busy trying to remember it all and I'll be able to sleep!  This could be my longest post yet....

I was still pregnant for conference.  I figured there was no way in the whole world I would still be pregnant conference weekend.  I got the stomach flu when I was about 36 weeks pregnant and spent two kind of scary days doing everything I could to get my contractions to stop.  I figured this baby was coming soon.  I had Clara and Gray both about two weeks early and was hoping and praying that this one would stay cozy till at least 37 weeks.  I got my wish.  and much more.  Conference was about a week before my due date and I was so excited to be able to listen to those wonderful messages cuddling my new little babe.   Our pumpkins were ready to put on the porch and I was ready to have a baby!  We took these pictures that Sunday afternoon as we got our pumpkins ready to put on the porch.

So no baby to cuddle for conference.  But our "welcome baby John" pumpkin was on the porch - all the furniture I had wanted to re-finish before this babe came was done, my bathrooms had all been cleaned and the floors mopped and vacuumed and laundry caught up and a costco run had been done and I was ready!  But, we still had to wait.  By the next Sunday I was really tired.  I hadn't slept in a couple of nights and I was starting to get a little frustrated.  There was also a part of be that was worried I was going to have a 10 lb baby and that was scaring me!  Gray weighed 8.12 and I was getting nervous.  So... that Sunday I just prayed that I was all done.  I needed some sleep and I needed to have this little baby. I had contractions all that day, but nothing serious.  I finally fell asleep that night about midnight and slept straight through till five o'clock.  When I woke up and looked at the clock I thought, "alright.  I just got 5 good hours of sleep, I need to have this baby now."  I started poking around on my belly to see if he was in a good position to be born (anterior), and sure enough - he was - and sure enough right as I located his little bum I had one really good contraction - and a little bit later another, and another and I could hardly contain my happiness because I knew I was finally having this little baby!  I stayed in bed till about 7:00 then got in the shower for a while.  Gray and Clara woke up soon and I went and cuddled on the couch by them and watched cartoons.  Brandon came out a little bit later and was so excited when I told him things were happening.  He got this little grin on his face he couldn't quite wipe away and told me when he woke up this morning he just felt like we were going to have a baby today!  He took a couple pictures of me with Clara and Gray -

By about 9:00 things were starting to get a little bit....more serious and I knew I needed to do something to keep my mind busy. I started grinding wheat to make bread and then ground up some white beans and some oats.  I kept forgetting what I had already put in the mixer as I stopped to breath through each contraction - but I figured it out and was soon shaping the loaves to put into the pans.  I had a theory that because of the other stuff I had put into the bread it would take a while longer to rise - and that by the time that bread had risen and cooked and cooled, I needed to have had a baby.  I figured that that was about as long as I could handle things. While I made bread Brandon got the kids ready and started mopping the floor - I like that guy - he knows me pretty well.

We called Heather and Vivian, my midwives, and told them to come and also called my friend Monica to come get our kids. I didn't want to be alone anymore. By the time she showed up I was ready to get in the tub and I decided I didn't really want her to leave.  Monica is an extremely nurturing person and I just wanted her to stay with me.  Brandon took our kids over to the Kinney's and both of the midwives showed up soon.  My back was hurting really bad and I couldn't tell where the baby's little bum was anymore and I was worried he was posterior.  I got out of the tub and Heather checked me to see if she should feel which direction he was facing - wonderful news - he was facing back and I was dilated to a 7+. I was elated!  I got back in the tub and tried to relax.  Brandon is a pretty strong guy - he stays calm all the time.  When I would start to get panicky he knew just what to say to calm me down - he sat on the side of the tub and rubbed my back the entire time.   He would tell me just what I needed to hear right when I needed to hear it.

Vivian was using the waterproof doppler to check this little guy out and his heart rate stayed so steady the entire time - even when I started pushing.  It gave me so much strength to hear that little heartbeat and to know that if he could do it, so could I.  Heather asked me after a while if I thought I might want her to break my water.  She said she knew I must be close and that sometimes that was all that was needed to get the baby to come.  I was so scared to do it though - that's when things got so so hard with Grady and I was afraid.  We talked about it for a  minute before I said that I just needed to trust myself that it would happen when it needed to happen - my body knew what it needed.  On my very next contraction my water broke.

Pushing to me is kind of like throwing up.  I don't want to do it.  I don't really get a choice in the matter though.  My body just does it.  Some contractions I would feel so strong - I could give in and work with my body - other times I was just scared and did everything I could to keep from pushing.  Right about then was when I started saying sh**.  Over and over and over.  I am not a sh** sayer.  It's not my word of choice and as it was coming out of my mouth I was wondering where in the world it was coming from!  And then I pictured Thelma.  A few weeks ago as my mom was stewing over the fact that I was having a baby at home she started to pray that things would be okay.  She told me later that she felt so comforted knowing that her mom, my Grandma Thelma would be there to help me.  Well, sh**  was one of my Grandma's words of choice and all the sudden I could just picture my little, tough as nails Grandma kneeling by the side of that tub whispering that word in my ear.  Even thinking back on it now, as funny as this sounds, I get a little teary.  I think she knew that at that minute that would make me feel just a little bit better, and that that word would make me know that she was there helping me, and it did!    I decided it was time to get out of the tub and thought I maybe needed to go into the bathroom for a minute.  After a while Heather poked her head in and suggested that maybe I didn't really need to go to the bathroom - that I was just feeling a lot of pressure from the baby.  I knew she was right but didn't really want to go anywhere.  I hung out on top of a bunch of pads in the bathroom for a little while before Vivian convinced me I didn't really want to have my baby on my bathroom floor.  Brandon helped me into the bedroom where they had things set up for me in front of my chair.  My pelvis is not made to have a baby laying down and I had always pictured having this little one while kneeling up against the chair in my bedroom - so that's where we went.

Having that little team of women, and Brandon helping me through all of this was such an empowering feeling.  I was so grateful for their knowledge of how to help me and my baby and their ability to step in should anything start to go wrong - but what felt so amazing was that when I started to get tired or feel like my own strength wasn't enough their love and concern and calming words gave me the strength that I needed.  Not many times, okay, not ever in my life do I let myself really depend on other people.  I can't - I'm too stubborn and to obsessed with having control over everything.   I don't really have control over birth - I can't do it by myself and it is so good for me to have experiences where I have to have help from others.  I came to a point, kneeling in front of that chair,  where I was all done.  I prayed out that I could do one more, but then I needed help that I would have my baby.  Heather told me later that when I said this she got nervous for me because she knew that my baby was still pretty high and that I most likely had several more pushes.  But I didn't.  I got the help that I needed right then and on my next push I had my little babies head in my hands and felt as his little shoulders rotated and I pulled him up to my chest.  Brandon was kneeling right behind me and laid me down in his lap and everything just stopped while I stared down into the eyes of my beautiful little baby.  We were covered in warm towels immediately and I looked down to discover we had another little boy!

 We sat there in our cozy sunny room meeting our baby for a half hour or so when they asked me if I wanted some advil - I said yes and they told me I needed to have a few bites of something before I took it.  That's when Monica told me my bread was done and ready to cut!! Someone had seen that it was risen and slipped it right into the oven for me.  Monica went and cut thick slices for everyone and we all sat and cooed over this new little one while we ate warm bread with lots of butter on it.  After a while they helped us into bed and Brandon went and got our kids to come meet their new little brother.

Heather and Vivian went right to work getting everything all cleaned up and we all cuddled on the bed examining our new little guy.  My parents showed up about that time.  I decided to get in the tub with the baby and my Mom came in with me to see him.  That was one of my favorite parts of the entire day.

 It was so hard, and it hurt, but it was perfect.  I can't say how grateful I am to have had an experience like this.  So many things happened during Graham's birth that I know I will remember forever - when tough stuff happens or when I feel like I can't do something - I had so many teaching moments in those few hours that I'll never forget.  Oh i love this little boy!

weighing our little dude

happy daddy

My two little boys all tuckered out. 

I think this was my face when someone started talking about the next time I give birth......